[ he had, no doubt, a worried look on his face. he almost always does. when the sway of cosmic influences is within your consciousness, there's little you could do but worry. you also learn to listen, you listen very hard and sometimes lose focus on the physical world, as it is. letting his consciousness seat itself in the cosmic auditorium isn't a hard task but it is distinctively hard to do when someone like sif come along and sit in front of you.
their history is a brief encounter from his earliest days. he was like a child then. he was so foolish to think that people could just be stolen and made to love like that. he was so desperate for the companionship. he was-
he swallows a mouthful of his drink. ]
Drinking isn't why I'm here. I frequent these places to remember a friend. I hope I would find him like how you found me.
[ and it's true, he has no reason to lie to her. and really the one thing she deserves, among many things like an apology, from him would be the truth. ]
I wondered the same, about you. I've seen Thor - or a version of him and a time when he wasn't in the right mind - though he was more interested in fists and hammer than words. But not you. [ adam brush his hair out of his face to face her fully and press his lips to a stern thin line. ] I owe you an apology.
[ Well, at least he's become more articulate with age. And much more courteous. Sif can't truly recall the last time any man told her he owed her an apology for anything. Not Loki, and not Thor, too stubborn to admit when he's mis-stepped or erred or even mildly hurt her feelings. ]
Asgard needs me. [ Asgard, and its people; she's not Thor, to feel so comfortable and so freely interested in Midgard and its doings. It doesn't hold the same appeal for her. ] And I go where Asgard needs me most. That is not often to be so far afield as this.
[ She doesn't know how to address the apology; she doesn't know what he might say, or whether or not she truly wants to hear it, or if the simple offer of it is enough. It never occurred to her to seek one from him. In the grand scheme of her life, it had been such a small thing, a small offense...compared to other indignities visited upon her. ]
So you could have looked for me forever, and never found me. [ A pause. ] Have you looked for me?
[ Looking for— too active, maybe. Keeping an eye out, if he'd taken note of Thor, and wondered about her. But then, he hadn't noticed her here. ]
[ asgard, he's heard about it before. to hold such high regard to a place and to call such a place home is such a foreign concept. until he remembers that spirit world. he doesn't smile but nods, curtly.
the apology doesn't come easy to him. but he knew he was in the wrong then, and he knows better now. the past, the future - they're always present for him. a wrong move and he could swing back to either states, being keenly aware of who he is while there's time to focus on such things is a luxury. even more so is the truth. and he has no reason to lie to her, his personal life is no importance. ]
No. I died.
[ twice, but there's no need to brag about it. there are many things he could add to that - there was never any time, the universe has too many disturbances he wanted to solve, mysterious to wring the truth out of. the core of it, however... ]
When I came back, I ran from my past. From any affection, fearing I would find the same result waiting for me. And to look for you would have been to acknowledge my failings in a personal sense, that seemed irrelevant to the role I was forced to hold.
[ Join the club, Adam. Everybody's died at some point, and then been resurrected. It's not as though this makes him special.
And for that, if nothing else, Sif finds this explanation lacking. But it hits too close to home for other reasons, reasons that have nothing to do with Adam at all. He's not the only man she's known to run from the things he's done.
Loki has a similar habit as well. ]
So you ran from the prospect of taking responsibility or accepting your mistakes, because it seemed irrelevant. Do you think having some grand destiny absolves you of the need to confront yourself, and what you've done? Because that argument bears a certain similarity to a mountain of goat excrement.
[ he notes her anger and doesn't want anything to do with it. because the truth is. yes, he did. having bearing godhood, making the decision to separate the good and evil identities within himself, coming to terms of being called too unstable and everything that came after it, adam lost a lot of what was important to him. and his priorities has certainly never been to himself. he answers simply. ]
I thought I did. That making myself the necessary being required for pure logical judgement would make my past sins clear, but it's been demonstrated time and time again, that is not the case. My sins will always come back to me.
[ maybe gamora's spoiled him by taking his bullshit in stride - well, with yelling and outbursts. ]
The universe is vast. And life continues with or without either of us in it. I moved on in your absence, just as surely as you did. Was it futile to apologize just then? Yes, perhaps it was but in doing so I faced my failings. Was it meaningless to hear an old offender's apologizes? To me, yes. It would be. They are only words. It is not proof of change.
[ Sif has put up with a lot of bullshit over the years. She grew up hanging around with Thor and Loki, and if one isn't enough to give you a migraine for the rest of your days, than the other surely will. She is not unfamiliar with a speech like this, but that doesn't make it grate any less, either. ]
It would not have been meaningless to me.
[ Very few people have apologized to Sif for their trespasses, and their failures towards her. Asgard is not a place for apologies. ]
If it is actions that matter, and not words, what should I take your inability to face me to mean? That what you did didn't matter? Even if I forgave you— and I did— you still could have shown the courage to come tell me to my face that you knew what you did was wrong. That would mean more than the words themselves.
[ She has to take a drink, a moody moment of silence before she continues. ]
And to Hel with the vastness of the universe. You are not the only one with a bigger cause to worry about. It is no excuse to run from your past.
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no subject
their history is a brief encounter from his earliest days. he was like a child then. he was so foolish to think that people could just be stolen and made to love like that. he was so desperate for the companionship. he was-
he swallows a mouthful of his drink. ]
Drinking isn't why I'm here. I frequent these places to remember a friend. I hope I would find him like how you found me.
[ and it's true, he has no reason to lie to her. and really the one thing she deserves, among many things like an apology, from him would be the truth. ]
I wondered the same, about you. I've seen Thor - or a version of him and a time when he wasn't in the right mind - though he was more interested in fists and hammer than words. But not you. [ adam brush his hair out of his face to face her fully and press his lips to a stern thin line. ] I owe you an apology.
no subject
Asgard needs me. [ Asgard, and its people; she's not Thor, to feel so comfortable and so freely interested in Midgard and its doings. It doesn't hold the same appeal for her. ] And I go where Asgard needs me most. That is not often to be so far afield as this.
[ She doesn't know how to address the apology; she doesn't know what he might say, or whether or not she truly wants to hear it, or if the simple offer of it is enough. It never occurred to her to seek one from him. In the grand scheme of her life, it had been such a small thing, a small offense...compared to other indignities visited upon her. ]
So you could have looked for me forever, and never found me. [ A pause. ] Have you looked for me?
[ Looking for— too active, maybe. Keeping an eye out, if he'd taken note of Thor, and wondered about her. But then, he hadn't noticed her here. ]
no subject
the apology doesn't come easy to him. but he knew he was in the wrong then, and he knows better now. the past, the future - they're always present for him. a wrong move and he could swing back to either states, being keenly aware of who he is while there's time to focus on such things is a luxury. even more so is the truth. and he has no reason to lie to her, his personal life is no importance. ]
No. I died.
[ twice, but there's no need to brag about it. there are many things he could add to that - there was never any time, the universe has too many disturbances he wanted to solve, mysterious to wring the truth out of. the core of it, however... ]
When I came back, I ran from my past. From any affection, fearing I would find the same result waiting for me. And to look for you would have been to acknowledge my failings in a personal sense, that seemed irrelevant to the role I was forced to hold.
no subject
And for that, if nothing else, Sif finds this explanation lacking. But it hits too close to home for other reasons, reasons that have nothing to do with Adam at all. He's not the only man she's known to run from the things he's done.
Loki has a similar habit as well. ]
So you ran from the prospect of taking responsibility or accepting your mistakes, because it seemed irrelevant. Do you think having some grand destiny absolves you of the need to confront yourself, and what you've done? Because that argument bears a certain similarity to a mountain of goat excrement.
no subject
I thought I did. That making myself the necessary being required for pure logical judgement would make my past sins clear, but it's been demonstrated time and time again, that is not the case. My sins will always come back to me.
[ maybe gamora's spoiled him by taking his bullshit in stride - well, with yelling and outbursts. ]
The universe is vast. And life continues with or without either of us in it. I moved on in your absence, just as surely as you did. Was it futile to apologize just then? Yes, perhaps it was but in doing so I faced my failings. Was it meaningless to hear an old offender's apologizes? To me, yes. It would be. They are only words. It is not proof of change.
no subject
It would not have been meaningless to me.
[ Very few people have apologized to Sif for their trespasses, and their failures towards her. Asgard is not a place for apologies. ]
If it is actions that matter, and not words, what should I take your inability to face me to mean? That what you did didn't matter? Even if I forgave you— and I did— you still could have shown the courage to come tell me to my face that you knew what you did was wrong. That would mean more than the words themselves.
[ She has to take a drink, a moody moment of silence before she continues. ]
And to Hel with the vastness of the universe. You are not the only one with a bigger cause to worry about. It is no excuse to run from your past.